I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize