Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
