I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Randomize
