It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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