I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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