How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
