just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Text me some of your sweat
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
