The beer is more important than you right now.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
there is another microwave in the elevator.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
