I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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