I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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