my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
