I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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