bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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