Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
