Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
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