dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
