It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
