I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
