its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize