Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
It was a blind-side dick pic.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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