I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
