My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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