Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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