Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
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