i was born a porn star she said
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
