I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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