I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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