I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
