Someone shit on the floor
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
