I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
