I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
