one word: firstdatebathroomanal
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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