I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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