It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
