I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
