ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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