I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
