i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
