so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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