I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
