Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
