so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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