Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
