I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
