she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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