Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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