There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Randomize
