life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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