honey bunches of taint.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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