Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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