If that was your dad, he is hot
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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