Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
