I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize