You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
