You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
