Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
