Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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