Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
