Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Randomize
